Effects on the Family

The family that been the victim of sexual abuse often tends to experience the same dynamics as does the individual victim. One of the secondary effects of the abuse, however, is that very often the family will not be able to accept the information that one of their family has been abused. This is very common when the abuser is a family member, and more so when it is a parent.

Effects of Male Abusers

When the abuser is the father, the mother may very often be unwilling to believe the child for fear of breaking up the family. She may have no financial or emotional resources of her own that she can call on to help her deal with this terrible trauma, and she may be unwilling to face the shame of public awareness. This may prevent her from seeking professional help in dealing with it. She may even feel some anger at the child for bringing the situation out into the light and for taking the husband's attentions that are rightfully hers. This is not an anger that is obvious, it is very difficult recognize because it is an unconscious anger. The mother may feel anger at the husband for betraying the marital fidelity, specially with a child. This anger becomes more pronounced the older the child is. The anger is very real and it comes with a great deal of pain for all family members. It is not uncommon for the rest of the family to blame the victim for causing the pain of discovery by revealing the abuse, rather than the offender for the actual abuse. This only isolates the victim even further The family does not want to deal with the shame and hurt of the betrayal of trust by the abuser. Anger is a great way to avoid feeling pain, and no one can feel guilt while they are feeling anger.

Effects of Female Abusers

When the abuser is a mother, the issues are even harder to deal with. Mothers do abuse their own children, it just isn't talked about. For a child to turn in their own mother is even more emotionally devastating than when the offender is the father. Mothers are credited with being the nurturer, the source of life for the family, and the ultimate protector. If a woman was sexually abused as a child, her sense of self-esteem and self-worth, boundaries and nurturing skills may be severely impaired, if not totally absent. She may have no financial or emotional resources of her own that she can call on to help her deal with the shame of public awareness of her inadequacy as a mother. This may prevent her from seeking professional help in dealing with her problems. The family will be seen as unhealthy in the public eye, and the consequences of being not good enough as a mother may be too much for her to deal with alone. So everyone will pull together to hush up the abuse, and blame the victim for talking about the abuse. This can cause further victim isolation and depression. The child then learns to not talk about any feelings when the family reacts by punishing the individual who talks about painful feelings. It becomes a family rule to bury feelings and this allows for the victim to continue being victimized. It creates an adult who moves through life expecting and receiving, emotional neglect and abandonment.

Effects on Intimacy

The child who has been sexually abused learns to associate sex with caring, and begins to sexualize all of their behaviors in an effort to gain caring and nurturing. This indicates that the child has learned that sex equals caring, and that to gain the love and caring that all children need to grow, the child mistakenly believes that sexual behavior is the appropriate and required behavior. When you see a child behaving in a seductive or inappropriate sexual manner, this signifies someone has taught the child :This is how you get attention, this is how you get love". This is wrong, and it sets the child up to become a victim again later on.

Effects on Trust and Self-Esteem

The trust that the child has developed in authority and caretakers is damaged and betrayed. This betrayal of their trust makes it very difficult for a child to ever trust or believe in anyone, including themselves, ever again. They continually expect that when others pay any attention to them, they are doing it only for sexual reasons. If they form any relationships later on, it will be unlikely to succeed because no relationship can survive without trust. The failure will only confirm their belief that people want something out of them. And, in relationships that are not based on the sexual needs of others being met first, the victim feels that something was wrong with them, also causing the decay of the relationship. Their self-esteem will continue to be eroded and wither. The effects of sexual abuse lasts for many years up to a life time.

The family that encourages secrets encourages isolation and abuse. The family that encourages all family members to talk about all of their feelings, both the pleasant and unpleasant, in a non-attacking manner, provides a non-isolating environment where an abuser has a much harder time perpetuation the abuse on the child.