Guidelines for responding to a sexual abuse survivor

Maintaining a relationship with someone who has been sexually abused can be very difficult, particularly if you do not know how to respond appropriately to their emotional needs. The topic arises repeatedly and many partners are left feeling frustrated by their inability to help. Here are some guidelines for responses you can do that will help your partner.

Respect their privacy -- Don't discuss their abuse with ANYONE without their permission.

Don't confront their abuser for them -- This is their right and their responsibility, when they are ready to do it.

Don't touch them without asking permission, each time -- Even if it is to show your affection, and even though they gave you permission before, each touch is deserving of permission. What was okay before may not be okay now. It is their body, and they have the right to say who touches it and how, as well as when.

Talk about your feelings -- It is a sign you care and trust them. Just be careful they do make your feelings their feelings.

Pay attention to their emotions and feelings -- Don't get wrapped up in the details of what happened. It is about what happened to them and not what it makes of them.

Comply with reasonable request for safety and attention -- Be aware they have been in situations where no concern was shown for their welfare or feelings. Be willing to go beyond 50/50 to help them feel safe again.

Do Not tell them what to do or what to feel -- This is what their abuser did to them.

Talk less and listen to them more -- They need validation of their feelings to know they are not crazy for feeling what they do.

Learn the healing power of silence shared -- If they are silent, you do not need to fill the void to be expressing concern or compassion.

Don't forget to take care of yourself, too -- Find a safe place to express your emotions appropriately, without hurting anyone else.

Let them heal at their own pace -- The survivor of sexual abuse has had little or no control over what happened to them. They need to regain control of their recovery if they are to recover at all.

Let them feel whatever they need to feel -- Do not try to feel for them, or to direct their healing. Do not monitor or correct their feelings, this is what their abuser did to them.

Remind them of how much you care for them -- They need to know you do not see them as damaged goods because of their abuse.

Be patient -- this is not going to go away over night. This is going to be a long and painful process but people do heal and recover.

They will not see sex in the same light as you do -- This will create stress and friction. Try to remember, you do not have to have sexual contact to express love. Just holding hands will do just fine.

They will forgive when they are ready to forgive -- To force or pressure them to forgive before they are ready to do so is another form of emotional abuse for the benefit of the abuser.

Treat them as the worthwhile person they are -- Their value as a person has not changed, only their perception of their value.

Treat yourself as the worthwhile person you are -- Your value as a person has not changed, only your perception of your value.