Why Child Victims Don't Tell

The Silent Problem

Often children do not tell anyone about sexual abuse because they:

a) are too young to put what has happened into words
b) were threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse a secret
c) feel confused by the attention and feelings accompanying the abuse
d) are afraid no one will believe them
e) blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"
f) feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell
g) worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble

Silence enables sexual abuse to continue. Silence protects sexual offenders and hurts children who are being abused. Sexual abuse is an extremely difficult and damaging experience. Today there are many resources to help victims and their families. Children no longer need to suffer in silence.

When many people hear about a child being sexually abused, they believe the child must be making it up, or exaggerating or lying to get some attention. They believe the child must not have been hurt, because there are no marks or scars. they believe the child is just making it up, because if it was going on for as long as they say, why didn't the child say something at the time? The truth of this is, yes, the child is often lying. The child is lying to them self about it not being abuse, and lying about their not being hurt by this abuse of trust, power, affection, and love. Children do not talk about their abuse for many reasons, and here are just a few.

1) They are afraid of further harm if they tell.

Many times the offender has threatened the victim with harm to themselves or to other loved ones if the abuse is revealed. Often times, the threats are lies about the parents rejecting the victim for their part in the behavior. Many times, the offender will actually demonstrate their power to hurt pets, or mislead the victim about recent events, that may indicate power to hurt. One victim was told that a blue car would be watching to see if he told. Whenever a blue car drove by the house, the victim 'knew' the offender was telling the truth about watching for sign of his telling someone. When a blue car hit and killed his dog, while he was thinking about telling, that was enough to convince this child of the offender's power to read minds. This eventually leads to an adult who cannot talk about their feelings of anger to anyone. Someone who is very withdrawn and quiet, and keeps their anger inside until it explodes is often the result of this kind of situation.

2) They are protecting another sibling or parent.

The victim has younger brothers or sisters, and the offender tells them if they cooperate, that the others will be spared. Many times, this is only to silence the victim, and actually it really does not spare the others. One such victim discovered, forty years later, their abuser had told all four of her sisters the same thing, and was actually abusing them all during that same time period. This leads to an adult who will be the scapegoat, or family martyr for all the family pain and trauma, for generations. Someone who is the family caretaker or rescuer is often the result of this kind of situation.

3) They are confused about what actually happened and don't recognize it as abuse.

The offender often attempts to portray their abuse as something other than abuse, usually a special game, or a special way to show that I care about you. They frequently tell the victim it is a secret between them, and if the others find out, the offender will no longer play with the victim. Many victims are manipulated into believing this is the way adults show love and affection. Children do not want to lose contact with someone who appears to care, so the child becomes confused about their inner feelings and begins to doubt themselves and their ability to trust in themselves and their ability to recognize when they are in danger. This leads to an adult who will be reluctant to identify their own feelings until they verify what feelings or emotions are expected of them in a given situation. Someone who is co-dependent is often the result of this kind of situation.

4) They feel threatened by what they believe the parent's reaction will be to their announcement of what happened.

The offender frequently tells the victim their parents will be mad at them for doing this, and if they tell they will be punished. Since it is clear to the child they have done something bad, and they know their parent punishes for doing bad things, it is a very believable lie. Then, when the child tries to tell while protecting themselves from what they expect will be punishment for their behavior, they see the parent getting mad or upset at the news and they believe the offender was telling the truth and deny any further involvement.

5) They are feeling guilty about their physical response to an emotional situation, and taking responsibility for their abuse in an effort to avoid having to see it as abuse.

It is very possible for sexual abuse to create an involuntary physical response by the body that both offender and victim will interpret as liking the abuse. This is as much liking abuse as it would be to say that if you were hit over the head with a bottle of whiskey and some of the liquid ran into your mouth, that you were drinking whiskey. This is not liking the abuse, but merely the body responding to a pleasant physical stimulus.

6) They are feeling guilty about talking for fear the family will break up and they will have no one to take care of them. This is very common in cases where a parent or other guardian is the abuser.

It is very possible someone is putting pressure on the child to recant their disclosure by saying that mommy/daddy will go to jail for what you're saying and it will be your fault. This is not definitely true, as the person is not going to jail because the child told but because the caretaker exhibited an inappropriate behavior.