Sexual abuse is about power and control and is a learned behavior. It can also be an addiction. An addiction is often a desperate attempt to stop feelings of hurt and pain. Experiencing those feelings does not cause addictions, but being unable to deal with those feelings can. If you put your hand in a fire, it is hurt. It is the pain that tells you that you are being hurt. If you deaden the pain, the risk for damage is greater than before. Experiencing the pain tells you damage is taking place. If you hold on very tightly to a burning piece of metal, the damage can be severe and continues as long as you hold tightly to the burning item. The damage stops only when you finally let go. It will continue to hurt for awhile but the healing process can now begin. There is no such thing as a cure, only day by day control. Relapse is a return to old familiar behaviors while under a condition of great stress. Relapse is always a possibility when dealing with any addiction or learned behavior.
Here are some common and predictable warning signs of relapse. The first list applies to the offender's behavior, the second list is behaviors to look for in the victim. These lists do not include every possible change, only the more common ones and those that are noticed more easily.
Abuse of alcohol and other drugs
Not able to account for money, gifts, loans, purchase of drugs
Loss of control over other behaviors (smoking, gambling, battering)
Sleep - last to bed, up at night, first to rise
Tucking the victim into bed without being asked to do so
Initiating and prolonging physical contact with the victim target
Pornography/telephone sex
Sexual preoccupation
Unresolved marital conflicts - frequency, dysfunction, abuse, infidelity
Job stress - fired, laid off, change in job duties or description
Difficulty accounting for time - unstructured time
Cruising in car with no destination, unexplained mileage
Discipline - favoritism, harsh, erratic
Stated over-confidence regarding the impossibility or reoffending
Not attending counseling or completion of assigned tasks
Assuming the role of sex educator
Inappropriate apparel - broken zippers, patches, robe only, no underwear
Leaving bedroom/bathroom door open
Rapid religious conversion
Offender retreats to childhood - clothing, language, cultivation of younger friends
Involvement in youth activities/programs
Involvement in children's hygiene - bathe, massage, apparel, grooming
Selecting children's clothing - too loose or too tight, too revealing, cosmetics
Isolating the child
Expressed ( negative ) interest in the child's social/sexual behavior
Stated physical complaints in the victim's presence
Reluctant to be with extended family
Anxiety, short temper, tension
Difficulty in getting things done
Passive-aggressive (non-assertive) style
Shift in parental responsibility - return to school/work triggers abandonment and unsupervised time
Return to offender following extended absence
Sleeping disturbance - nightmares, bed wetting, sleeping in clothing
Depression
Withdrawal
Suicide plans and/or attempts
Hygiene
Appetite and/or unusual weight change
Avoidance of offender
Change in how victim refers to offender (from father to first name basis)
Victim asks partner about marital status
Fears and anxieties
Clinging to partner
Door shut and/or locked, a request for a lock
Conservative or increase in modesty in regard to style of dress
Change in peer relationships, stops bringing friends home
Protective of brothers and sisters
Rebellious in the house
Legal problems - theft, alcohol or drug use begins
Victim becomes physically and/or sexually abusive to others
Escapes - suicide attempts, alcohol and drug use, running away, out of marriage, pregnancy, early marriage, sleeping elsewhere, home late, staying away from home
Flight into adulthood - caricature
Seeks older acquaintances, sexual "acting out", smoking, swearing, "adult" interests
"Medical" complaints without basis in fact
Physical indicators - rashes, infections, abrasions
School difficulties - discipline, truancy, homework, grades decline
Abrupt change in new victim's relationship with partner - mother of new victim stops talking to mother of primary victim
| I'll only do it one more time I need to do this to reduce my tension He/she likes it She is too young to get pregnant He won't remember She won't realize what I'm doing, she's too young Nobody will find out It's okay, he's my son She is better than no one at all She wants love and affection He likes me She likes being with me We are very close friends He likes the attention She didn't tell me to stop Someone has to teach them about sex I am lonely She wants me to do this It makes me feel better I need love and affection too She puts her arms around me and sits on my lap He says no, but he really means yes She looks older than she is He is very mature for his age I'm in love I deserve to feel good No one will see me I can't stop I'm drunk I'll only go so far, then I'll stop Hitchhikers should know what to expect It's more exciting than sex with my wife Why else would she leave her shades up Why else call me to tuck him in Why else does she sit on my lap She hasn't told anyone yet, so she must like it |
I'm not really hurting anyone If I expose, maybe he will I won't do it anymore He won't tell She's not my real daughter My wife doesn't love me It's okay since kings and cavemen did it I'm just going to look, I won't touch In most ways, I am a good father If he doesn't want me to, I won't She is a lot like my wife She leads me on If not me, it will be somebody else He will get to liking it I'm not the first, she is not a virgin Others do it Nobody would believe him Some children like it It happened to me at that age She is doing it for the money I'm just showing affection He comes into our bed Just look at how she is dressed She has seen naked men before He is laughing, he is smiling I am oversexed I'll get rid of my (boredom, depression) What I do in my own house (car) is my business MY sex life is nobody's business I'm not using any force Prayer didn't work, so nothing will God wants me to do it I'll go on a binge, do it a lot, and get it out of my system I'm just teaching her what she should not let a man do to her She does it with her boyfriend He does it with other boys |
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